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Dear Readers:

Many, if not all, of us have great dating stories. And by great, I mean stories about dates that sucked. While they provide great fodder for next day's debrief with friends, we sometimes wish we could avoid the bad date altogether or at least impart some wisdom to the date from hell, so that, next time, he/she will know what NOT to do.

Often, the thing that sets off a bad date is the first date conversation. To me, having a great first date is like savoring a great bottle of red wine. The first date conversation is analogous to letting the wine "breathe" before serving, so that the character of the wine - its flavors and scents - is released over time.

Having a great first date conversation is like letting a new relationship "breathe", so that each of your personalities is revealed over time and not within the span of a few hours over dinner and/or drinks. Since you're just getting to know each other, the first date conversation is the heart of the date. It takes time to get to know someone, so don't rush the process. Do share what's important to you - your job, your children - but discretion and self-screening are critical. Just because you think or feel something does not mean you should communicate it on the first date. The truth is that the first date should be fun - plan and simple. You don't have to plan an extravagant date - some great dates take place over coffee at Starbucks - but mutual enjoyment is critical, especially if you want to have a second date.

So, after suffering through insufferable first dates, I've compiled a list of helpful "DON'TS" to follow in your next first date conversation:

1. Don't turn a first date into a church confession. Don't tell your date that you cheated on your ex in Vegas, ran into your ex two nights ago, had sex with her, and now she will not stop calling you. If you're stupid enough to say all this, don't especially follow it up with, "how do I get her to stop being in love with me?" You may think that this type of conversation is extreme, but many people think it's acceptable to discuss their sordid pasts on the first date. Your date doesn't know you well enough yet to overlook your past transgressions. To her/him, you're nothing more than an arrogant cheater/asshole.

2. Don't turn a first date into a therapy session. Seeing a therapist is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself, but the details of your last therapy session or that you're in therapy at all should not be part of your first date conversation. Revealing that,as a kid, you used to kill frogs n your parents yard or you still have an imaginary friend will only elicit fear - and disgust - in your date.

3. Don't mention that you're looking for a spouse. Desperation is unattractive. Don't tell your date that you have a three month rule and have to be engaged by the third month. Further, don't tell your date, on the first date, that you're in love with him/her and want to marry him/her. He/she might be as infatuated with you, but I'm always skeptical of the date who professes undying devotion without even knowing my last name.

4. Don't tell your date that you're dating other people. It's a given that your date, on the first date, will not assume that you're already in a committed relationship with each other. Thus, there's no need to state that you are dating others. You will just sound boastful and insecure. The focus should be on your date, not the date you had last night or will have tomorrow.

5. Conversation should be informative AND inquisitive. That means DON'T SPEND THE ENTIRE TIME TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF! This is the number one turn-off on any date. Leachery is a close second. Making conversation should be as easy as breathing, but somehow, someway, it's becoming a dying art. So, make sure to engage your date on topics that you both can discuss and remember to ask questions of your date. I had one date tell me that he found me mysterious. I laughed my ass off later, in my debrief to friends, because my date was so consumed with himself that, after more than two hours of droning on and on, he misinterpreted my quiet revulsion as my being "mysterious". I was so turned off by his narcissism that I felt no need to share any part of myself with him and tried to end the date as soon as possible.

6. Don't start a conversation with, "Tell me about yourself." I consider myself an accomplished woman with diverse interests, yet, I wouldn't even know where to begin to describe myself. Instead of leading with such an inane question, ask your date more insightful questions, i.e. "Are you originally from New York?" "Do you enjoy being a ______ (fill in profession)?" These are not exactly brainiac questions either, but at least you'll appear to be more nuanced and intelligent than the guy who says, "Tell me about yourself."

Making conversation on a first date is not easy, especially if you don't know the person well or at all. Following the advice above will help you to keep the first date fun for both of you, and you hopefully will get a second date.

More on that later...

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