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This story is about a month old at this point. I have been turning these thoughts over and over in my head, week after week, trying to understand where I am coming from, and I still have no solution. Something tells me many of you have felt something similar.

A friend of mine invited me out for brunch a few weeks ago with a bunch of his friends. I was pretty sure I wouldn't know anybody else, but I had been sulking all summer because I never got to go out and play with the boys, so I was in no position to turn him down.

I must point out that this is a friend of the beneficial variety. We have slept together several times over the course of the last year or so, and I daresay he is some of the best sex I've ever had. There had never been talk of this developing to a relationship, and I don't think it's something that either of us have in mind, although some may say that we would make an adorable couple.

A few of us met at his apartment, and traveled to the restaurant together. As the phones rang and texts messages came in, I realized this was this was to be quite the operation. I felt slightly intimidated, but I knew this was going to be good for me, being surrounded by all of the gay energy that I had been craving.

There was only one presence that threatened me a little. My friend told us that he had invited one friend who he had met on Grindr, and they had never met in person. I didn't know what kind of context they were meeting in, but I tried to keep myself cool.

Our big gay collective entered the restaurant and piled into our huge table arrangement. I ended up at the end, against the wall, across from Grindr boy, and, naturally, my friend sat next to him.

I was my normal self for the first 40 minutes or so. I managed to be fairly talkative for my extremely shy self, and I blended in nicely. After I had a couple bellinis in me, I noticed my friend and his Grindr boy getting very hand-holdy in their corner.

It pissed me off.

But I felt bad about it. We haven't even been hanging out and playing consistently for a full year. Lord knows I've been with plenty of others, and I would expect him to as well. I didn't want a relationship with him (I think), so why was I so upset?

I've read "The Ethical Slut" twice by now, and I know it's important for me to own my feelings. And I did just that. My friend had every right to flirt and play with other boys...but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I couldn't completely understand where these feelings of jealousy came from. Was my fiery lust for this boy growing into something deeper? Was I simply worried about losing the best sex I ever had? Or was I just completely bitter because someone else was getting some and I wasn't? That would be very like me.

This is been bothering me up until this day. Since this particular event, I get nervous every time I contact this boy. I take it personally when he doesn't respond to my texts. I'm afraid to initiate any sort of sexual contact. It should not be this way. One boy (who is not nearly as cute as me) should not get in the way of my beneficial friendship.

It's true...jealousy ruins everything.

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