The last five years of my life have revolved around a great dilemma: the question of whether I want to play the boyfriend or the whore, at this point in my life.
Being a fairly young man of 23, many would think it typical that I would like to play the field for the time being, and many of those people would say that it's an excellent plan. I'm in no hurry to settle down. I would love to have a husband-like-figure at some point in my life, and maybe do the family thing. But I know I've got a helluva lot of livin' to do before I can even think about it.
Still...there's that sappy side of me that wants romance in my life. It's not so much that I desire a boyfriend. It's more that I miss the feeling of being in love. It's been over six years since I've truly been in love, and I think I am way overdue for a serious case of twitterpation. But, I'm not about to go searching for it, because I think we all know how messy that gets.
Around Christmas time, I got out of my first relationship since moving to New York. The relationship lasted four months which - I'm rather embarrassed to say - is my record for relationship length. Toward the end, I was really white-knuckling it, and figured I just wasn't emotionally equipped for a relationship right now.
But that wasn't easy to deal with; saying I couldn't keep up a relationship made me feel shallow, like I was void of any ability to connect with another person on a deep level.
After three months of continuing my crusade of fucking my way through New York City, I have also dipped my toes back into the dating pool. Dating is very fun, but oh so complicated. You get to spend time with cute boys but, all the while, you have to keep them at a distance so you don't get dragged into anything you aren't 100% sure you want.
Last night, I spent a lovely evening with a boy I've known for a while. I'm not sure this would qualify as a date, but we did end up naked, which is always great. I ended up spending the night. And these thoughts were twirling through my head as I held him tightly in my arms: What is it that I want? How do I connect with people? These moments feel so amazing, so what am I so afraid of?
Thankfully, I do believe I reached something resembling an epiphany. My primary conflict with my inner boyfriend is that I don't want my relationship with one person to limit my relationships with others. When I had a boyfriend, I had to cut many people out of my life because of the sexual nature of our relationships, and I personally don't feel that's right. I don't participate in polyamorous relationships, but I do believe in similar principles, especially the philosophy that love is not a finite substance. Your ability to love one person does not limit your ability to
love someone else.
I have not lost my ability to love someone. Rather, I have realized my ability to love more than one person, and to love different people in different ways. It may sound like a load of hippy bullshit to you but, for the time being, it's a happier philosophy, and, hopefully, you'll be making a lot of others happy too.
Complete the form below to forward this page to a friend.