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Balls.

You have to love them. Personally, I'm a huge fan of balls. But, at this time of year, and as a holiday favor to you, my dear readers, I will shelve my normal fixation on the fleshy, oft hairy, and pendulous kind, and, instead, focus on just one, of the Baccarat crystal variety: the one that drops over Times Square every December 31st, as all eyes turn to New York City for the countdown ushering out the old year and welcoming in the new.

And with this new year comes a new personal resolve to better oneself and reach for goals unattained the year prior, or, at least, to fix a few problems identified (but, nonetheless, left alone to fuck up your life) across the 12 previous, now discarded calendar pages.

Herewith, my New Year's Resolutions. I share them with you in the hopes that I will inspire you to make some weighty resolutions yourself, and, at the same time, open myself up to the supervisory gaze of several hundred pairs of eyes staring over my shoulder to make sure I'm not just jerking off for the next 365 days, but lurching forward in my quest toward personal evolution and, in turn, global domination. Having already been through this resolution orgy dozens of times, with personal promises made and ultimately treated like most of the men in my life - finger-fucked, laughed at, and left sobbing on the floor wondering where the dream went wrong - I'm also instituting my own rating system, the "Simile Scale Rating Index", to honestly gauge how likely each resolution is to see the light of fruition in 2010 (or to be completely honest, anytime before I've been boxed and dropped and turned to mulch).

And if you're observant enough to have caught it, the Scale - to which I'll lovingly refer as "SSRI" - does indeed, quite accidentally, but, nonetheless, deliciously, share its initials with Secondary Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors, the class of drug that blessedly includes that crowd favorite, Prozac.

I RESOLVE to find, nurture, and maintain a healthy, mature, fulfilling, and mutually satisfying relationship with another man. This means being able to not only accept someone for (not just in spite of) his flaws and shortcomings, but also allowing myself to be vulnerable and open to being accepted for my own naked flaws. That means letting go, being weak when I need to, crying when I'm hurt, and letting him revel in my joys as if they were his own. It also means not making him wait outside the bedroom door while I light candles and pose myself perfectly on fresh, 300 thread count sheets, but just kicking off my Levis, diving for his belt buckle, and fucking with the lights on.

Simile Scale Rating Index (SSRI): 7. Like Mariah Carey's chances of winning an Oscar for “Precious”. Sure she's worshiped by millions; but will a little, naked golden boy go home with her for good?

I RESOLVE to be less judgmental at the gym. I will not stare and mutter "step away from the Krispy Kreme, you fat bitch." I will not silently recommend a few hundred more crunches and a few hundred less Oreo Double Stuffs. I will not look at a dumbbell being curled in a quest for perfect biceps and sneer, "Ha! Pussy Weight!" Nor will I casually cast aspersions with careless insertion of terms such as "muffin top", "back fat" and "unfortunate hips" into otherwise pleasant conversation. Mind you, I'm talking about ceasing these judgments I normally pass mercilessly upon myself. You people can keep doing whatever it is you've been doing - I think YOU'RE all gorgeous, so see if I give a fuck if you have a few pounds of body fat. I just want to walk past the mirror without being a typical gay man gym freak and wanting to bitchslap myself.

SSRI: 5. As likely as a government ban on reflective surfaces. Unless every mirror, car window, pair of sunglasses, silver-plated teaspoon and mylar helium balloon is removed from sight, you can bet I will continue to stop, stare, and condemn.

But alternately, being the good bipolar queen that I am:

I RESOLVE to stop falling in love with my own reflection. This shall include, but is in no way to be limited to, the following limits: stop lifting my shirt and punching myself in the abs; stop beveling and appearing to myself and anyone else looking on as if I am awaiting my cue line in some traveling, one-man production of, "A Chorus Line"; stop positioning myself in social situations so that just over the shoulder of my conversation partners is a mirror of some sort; stop touching my fucking hair constantly; and consider wearing shirts that have sleeves and yes, will cover my shoulders, pecs, arms - but, to be fair, I will only enforce this component of the resolution when the thermometer dips below freezing. Just last night, I was having a cigarette outside the Web, where I'd gone to eye-bang the Go-Go Twinks, and I was wearing just a wife-beater and a sleeveless button-down vest. "Oh, you must be freezing," said one concerned guy of my now outdoor attire. "Yes I am. But you haven't stopped rubbing my guns since saying 'hello', so I'll deal."

SSRI: 3.5. See the likelihood of criminalizing shiny objects one and all, above: couple it with finding a way to spell "Narcissistic" without the letters C, a, s.

I RESOLVE to spend less time trying to get laid. I will also spend less time breathing, showing up at work on payday, swallowing, and blinking.

SSRI: 0. "Ooh look! A pig! And it's FLYING!"

I RESOLVE to curse less frequently. If you know me you know I have the heart of a saint and the mouth of an ill-bred whore. As a matter of fact, identifying this as an area of my life needing improvement while discussing new year's resolutions with my Pastor last Sunday, I remarked, "Seriously, Reverend: this shit's gotta fucking stop."

SSRI: 2. As likely as Whoopi making it five minutes into "The View" without being bleeped. Fuck it.

I RESOLVE to quit smoking. I've made this promise to myself virtually every year of my adult life. I have hopes, but they aren't high.

SSRI: 3. As likely as Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, or Other Bush - the administrations through which I've been a tobacco addict - assuming the presidency again. Seriously, if Ronald Reagan shakes off the dirt nap and schlepps all the way from Simi Valley to Capitol Hill, I swear to you I will crumple my freshly opened pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights 100s right on the fucking spot.

I RESOLVE to buy, view, and enjoy more porn. I am big on supporting the small businessman (and I don't mean by letting him live in my house rent-free while sucking down my groceries), and I feel this is one sector of commerce that I've really let slip off my radar. I try to keep my food as close to organic and local as possible, I frequent sole proprietorships for clothing and household items and hardware - but I've allowed the local porn industry, from DVD peep show to live-cam web site and makeshift fuck flick studio to go largely unsupported by my discretionary dollars lately. Maybe I've been too busy, or too self-absorbed, or feeling too high-brow. But that's got to change. I will endeavor to the best of my ability to blow more loads in, on, and as a result of the efforts of naked, ripe-assed bottoms and thick-dicked, leather-clad top daddies - and the artists and merchants who work so tirelessly to bring them to my sexual shopping bag - as my personal part to bring about an end to the economic strife in this country. Yes, I know: I'm a giver. And I always have the other guy's best interests at heart. I am like the gay Mother Theresa, only with really kickin' hair.

SSRI: 8. As likely as my not burning in eternal hellfire for likening myself to Mother Theresa.

I will seriously try my best to see any of these - perhaps ALL of these - personal promises come to be. If they do, then I'll be that much farther along in my journey to my own definition of "perfect"; if I don't accomplish a single one, that'll be ok too. Because my loftiest and most desirable goal of all is really this one, when it comes to dealing with myself on a daily basis in the coming year:

I RESOLVE TO LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.

And I wish you all a very happy New Year.

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Cas Loving the lovefest. My very best to you all.
nora merry xmas
nora merry xmas
Suzily Have I mentioned you are one of my favorite people ever?
nora i think am in love with dis site,al d best.merr xmass.
nora i think am in love with dis site,al d best.merr xmass.

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