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I have so many projects in which I'm involved that people often ask me just how I manage to balance it all as I do.

While I did once date a circus performer, juggling anything trickier than his balls was a skill I never quite acquired (though his sword-swallowing techniques I grasped as if I'd been practicing for years). For an understanding of where my strengths, my fortunes, and my efforts can be expected to take me at any given time, I will share a secret: I turn to my astrological chart.

I know, I know - when you look at Cas Marino, you immediately think "now THERE'S a practical gentleman!” But it's true: I do indeed turn to forces more mystical and less pragmatic from time to time in order to fill in the blanks of my own systems of logic and coping.

So, my dear readers, I invite you into the world of the Stars. Not the kind we hope to bunk with in sex rehab, but rather, the celestial bodies to which man has turned for guidance since the dawn of intelligent thought. First, early man learned to masturbate. Then, we learned to use rudimentary tools. Then, we began to question why we're here, what our purpose is, and, even more importantly, how to mix our knowledge of tools with our knowledge of masturbation. And, soon, we were a hairy little race of grunting, dildo-wielding existentialists who didn't know whether we were cumming or going without looking up to those great burning sages in the vastness of space and asking, "What next?"

Oh sure, you can get the basics of the Zodiac anywhere -- after porn and QVC, that's one of the top reasons Al Gore invented the internet. So herewith my own interpretation of the fundamentals of how the stars affect each of us based on when we were born. Much more practical, and one hell of a lot gayer than your run-of-the-mill rundown, this should give you a better understanding of why the fuck you do all that crazy shit you do, and what other moods, needs, and general douchebaggery you can expect from the other creatures you encounter on your walk around this planet each day who still largely and, not surprisingly, have sex toys on their minds and have no fucking clue what comes next.

Aries (The Ram) March 21 - April 19
You are creative, insightful and resilient - How artsy! Your strong will and endless ambition also means you are an over-achieving control freak. Your excellent sense of humor, your adaptability in all situations and your general ability to get along with others means you can be the life of the party. Add to this your passion and your impatience, and you're more than likely the slut who will hop from guy to guy at that party and go home with the first one who touches you inappropriately. Dating the fiery Aries means living in one of two constant states: fighting like bitter enemies or fucking like wild animals. And the Ram symbol is not, my experience proves, by any means accidental.

Taurus (The Bull) April 20 - May 20
You are strong, stubborn, willful, and have great staying power. That makes for a versatile player in the sack, because you want to give orders and you can last all night. Your loving, loyal, romantic nature save you from the fact that, outside the bedroom, your prominence as an attention-sucking, egotistical vortex of need can be somewhat taxing on absolutely everyone you encounter. You're a great comforter and endlessly generous, especially with sympathy and love. This assures that at least 75% of your one-night stands will keep you on speed dial under, "Sure Thing" or "Drunk Dial Pity Fuck".

Gemini (The Twins) May 21 - June 20
Your flexibility, balance and affectionate nature mean you're highly adaptable. We can overlook the fact that the duality of your star sign makes you highly prone to mood swings. You can run very hot and cold, which can make you a "go with the flow" kind of guy. It can also make you a bipolar motherfucker who will say, "I love you" to the guy you're hugging, while handing your cell number to the little piece of meat standing behind him. Your imaginative, creative flair coupled with your sales savvy make you the perfect candidate for event promotions. And I'm sure you'd NEVER invite someone to a big club gig as a way of impressing him with your connections, and then get all pissy for no reason and "forget" to put his name on the guest list so he winds up standing in line in the fucking rain with the peons waiting to get in to see that stupid band you think is so God-damned brilliant and edgy but really, they just need to take a fucking shower. Would you? WOULD YOU!!!! OK. Call me.

Cancer (The Crab) June 21 - July 22
Homey and domestic, traditional and tasteful, always operating with a level head, it's no wonder you're perfect husband material. Add to this your fickle, conservative nature, and your tendency to turn inward with your feelings which causes you to retreat for long stretches of alone time, and it's no wonder that your husband is out fucking the boy who mows your lawn while you're inside baking and soothing yourself with yet another three-martini "brunch". But you're loyal to a fault, and, overall, you inspire that in others. And, you're incredibly well respected at church for your instinctive knack of choosing just the right sweater vest for every pot luck supper.

Leo (The Lion) July 23 - August 22
Powerful. Intense. Energetic. Engaging. Opinionated -- oh, brave, willful, dominating Leo, you find it almost effortless to get people to follow you, and completely effortless to get me to remove my panties with the clever arch of just one of your impeccably manicured eyebrows. You are savvy and analytical and decisive, and show great business acumen. Your dynamic personality enshrouds a loving, sensitive heart that could make you a danger to all you invite under your bed sheets; but, you also operate from a place of needing to do good. So, I can almost believe, when I come back after the morning, "freshen up" to find you've slipped out without a goodbye, that every word in the Post-it note on my pillow case about having to drive your sister's kids' soccer carpool while she has emergency root canal, is absolute gospel truth.

Virgo (The Virgin) August 23 - September 22
Your sharp mind, and your talent for convincing others of outlandish manufactured details makes you an absolutely delightful conversationalist. You are also a filthy, lying whore, but in your defense, anyone in NYC claiming to be a virgin HAS to be. Your powers of coercion - especially when it comes to getting others to confide in you - couple with a memory that won't quit, making you one dangerous bitch to cross. While you can be an incredible asset to any team or group, heaven help the moron who inflames your ego or pisses you off in any way. You can douche with tap water and spit out instant ice cubes, and the fact that you are so opinionated, rash and intelligent means the beta dogs in the pack will crave the chance to follow you and will learn very quickly how to stay on your good side, lest they be pissed upon. Publicly. And Permanently.

Libra (The Scales) September 23 - October 22
So much has been written about you, Dear Libra, and your love for equity. You embody balance, harmony, justice, and stability. You are caring and understanding and will go out of your way to fight for justice in even the most impractical of causes - often ones you don't even care about and to the detriment of more important things that lay right at your feet. And when you cannot tip the scales in favor of the good you've deemed necessary at all costs, you can become belligerent and obsessive to the point of infuriating those around you. You are one to spend three sleepless days and nights hand-crafting picket signs out of oak tag and black Sharpies to protest the overuse of office supplies. To say you sometimes cannot, for all those trees, see the forest around you, would be understatement - but you are beloved in your diligence. And your loyal and ultimately appreciative boyfriend will understand, once again, that you're too busy - chairing the "Right to Public Displays of Affection" float committee -- to hold his hand at the Gay Pride parade.

Scorpio (The Scorpion) October 23 - November 21
You are bold and confident and focused, my Scorpio friend. You can rise to even the biggest challenge with enthusiasm and positive outcome. You're the pig bottom who sees an inhuman, unimaginably large cock and, even if you're not horny, has to sit on that thing just to claim, "I Climbed Mount Joey". Your confidence and forcefulness, however, can be interpreted by others as ego, self-absorption, and delusions of grandeur. And they're right. You're a real arrogant prick, you know. And sometimes you can be so fucking full of yourself it makes even your closest friends want to punch you in the neck. And your inability to ever be told "no" or to back down from your point or your way of doing things can be so damned unnerving. But you're also so cute, and having that sort of stinging tenacity on their side is what draws people to you as your friend. You fucking bitch. You delightful, nasty, lovable fucking bitch.

Sagittarius (The Archer) November 22 - December 21
You have so much going for you, my Centaurian love - and just as much going against you. Philosophical and wise yet pedantic and rash, intelligent, intense and energetic, but unfocused, unbridled and prone to tangents. Quick to start but absolutely devoid of patience, you are also quick to rebound from the mistakes you are just as quick to make. In other words, you're a shit-show. But you are a loyal and loving messed up motherfucker, and no doubt Sagittarians numbered greatly among the unstoppable, romantic heroes of Greek epic histories. Most of them died unnecessarily due to their egos and impetuousness, but still: look at those fucking quads and biceps on their statuary depictions. Yum.

Capricorn (The Goat) December 22 - January 19
Intelligence, practicality, stability and order are hallmarks of your existence, Capricorn. You are organized and systematic and thoroughly God-damned infuriating in your need to have things done your way and on your timeline. I was never good with word problems in middle school, so I don't know which applies: that all Capricorns have OCD or that all Obsessive/Compulsives are Capricorns. But either way, while I was saying it to your face, you'd no doubt find an errant eyelash on my cheek and completely miss or totally disregard the character assessment with which I'd just assaulted you. And then, being the adorable, good-natured, fellow who always tries to put others' emotional needs first while hiding his own, you'd no doubt tenderly retrieve that lash, direct me to close my eyes, make a wish, and blow, thus sucking me into the charm that is almost as legendary and unwavering as your fastidiousness.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer) January 20 - February 18
You can be so quiet and unassuming as to go unnoticed if you're not careful, Aquarius. But, your simplicity masks an unorthodox system for getting things done, and if people WERE allowed to notice, you'd gather much attention for your unique and creative approach to life's tasks. You are the self-taught artist, the expert who masters subjects by immersing himself in reading everything available. Your intelligence and talents could be immeasurable, but because you approach them and hone them in ways that are at once unique and unobserved, it is easy for you to be, without prodding, a guy who accomplishes absofuckinglutely nothing. You could be famous: your craft could reach breathtaking heights. But you are so fucking lazy that you'd rather lay around THINKING about your next project than actually STARTING OR FINISHING one and you hold yourself and your destiny in perpetual stalemate. Oh, and throw in some bong hits and the resulting shitstream of incoherent thought and you consider yourself quite the God-damned philosopher, now don't you? Of course you own all the latest hi-tech gadgets, because you totally understand the minds that bring such incredible concepts into being. What's amazing, however, is that you actually leave the house long enough to hold down a job to pay for the new iWiiPadBox to replace the one you bought last week, but which has, over the five days since the release of the newer version 1.0.0.0.1b, in your unchallenged opinion, obsolesced. Fucking tool you are. But such a cute ass. How could we not love you?

Pisces (The Fish) February 19 - March 20
Pisces, you are a sweet, shy, retiring fellow, known for your intelligence as well as your honesty and trustworthiness. You are quiet, and tend to fly under others' radar; or, when noticed, you can be susceptible to the will of stronger personalities - to the point of being gullible. It's funny that the fish symbol looks like they're 69ing because you're such a loner you prefer not to actually engage with the rest of us unless forced to do so. I hate to be the one to point this out, but that basically means you can go one of two ways: being either the quiet, intelligent loner, or the milquetoast who's easily swayed to action and thought by more dominant social elements, your career aspirations should be either, "Serial Killer" or "Cult Member". But, if not masturbating to true crime shows on Court TV or helping to mix the vat of special Kool-Aid before the comet passes over the compound, you'd also make an incredible part of the team for any social-minded cause. Or the sort of BDSM sub few of us could ever hope to be.

You can thank me for these vital insights later, when we bump into one another. Until then, my Loves... look to the stars...and shine on.

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Cas Stop asking, Goddammit: I'm a fucking Taurus. Through and through. Now worship me, bitches, while I go and bake you all a batch of mini-muffins as a "thank you" gift. Love you!

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