BDSM Etiquette

So, here are some helpful tips...

S&M Club Etiquette. If you visit an S&M club, you’ll be fine if you follow some simple rules. It’s important to look the part so that a) you’ll feel more comfortable and b) you don’t diminish the experience for other guests. If you show up at a club in your civvies, not only will you look like a dork, you’ll ruin the fantasy for everybody else. On the other hand, don’t feel you need to run out and spend hundreds of dollars on a black leather or latex outfit. Black jeans and a black shirt will suffice. Once inside, behave as you would at a cocktail party. Don’t gawk and never touch without permission. If you see a person you’d like to meet, consider asking the bartender for an introduction, sending them a drink, or complimenting them on their outfit or bondage technique. If you participate in a scene as a dominant, it is your responsibility to look after the welfare of the submissive. The two of you should agree on a "safe" word that the submissive can utter to end a scene that’s going sour. Dungeons. The element of fantasy is absolutely essential to the enjoyment of any bondage and dominance session. Anyone who’s tried or even contemplated tying up, suspending, or caging a lover at home knows full well the limitations posed by the typical Manhattan apartment. Of course, hotel rooms aren’t much better. It’s just not all that sexy being dangled from a rickety fire escape, handcuffed to the radiator, or locked in a closet that can barely fit half your wardrobe. Here’s where dungeons—commercial establishments staffed primarily by professional doms—can save the day. They offer clean, private, well-equipped rooms where you can focus totally on playing out your fantasy without worrying about lack of space, inadequate toys, or whether the neighbors can hear or see you. What a bummer when the cops knock on your door because your neighbor across the street saw you stuffing your husband into a latex body bag. It really ruins all the fun. At a dungeon you won’t be interrupted and you can even engage the services of a professional in-house dominatrix to show you the ropes, so to speak, or even participate in the fantasy.

BDSM for Dummies. It’s not likely that you would have learned many of these words when studying for the SATs, but if you want to survive and thrive in the world of BDSM, where appearance is everything, you need to speak the language of the subculture:

B/D (Bondage-Discipline): In sexual role play, the practice of using restraints (e.g., cuffs, rope) and engaging in corporal punishment, such as spanking or flogging, which incorporates mutually agreed upon elements of S/M and D/S.

BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadomasochism): Generic term that encompasses B/D, D/S, and S/M and is used to describe all areas of kink or alternate sexuality. Bottom: The submissive person in a scene.

Dom/Dominant/Master: see D/S Domme/Dominatrix/Mistress: see D/S D/S (Dominant-Submissive): The consensual exchange of power in a BDSM relationship where one person relinquishes control to another. Either a dom/dominant (master) or domme/dominatrix (mistress) is in control of the submissive (slave) in S/M role play.

Fetish: Any inherently non-sexual object, substance, or body part that stimulates sexual desire (e.g., leather, feet, latex).

Pistachio: Code word for BDSM. See Vanilla.

Play: To engage in BDSM activities.

S/M (Sadomasochism): The practice, among consenting adults, of inflicting (or receiving) pain and humiliation within a role play for the purpose of generating sexual pleasure. Dominants (sadists) inflict pain while submissives (masochists) receive it. Safe, sane, and consensual: A phrase used in the S/M community to emphasize and advocate a positive "code of conduct" in the practice of BDSM.

Safe word: An agreed upon word or phrase between participants in any BDSM activity that immediately stops play.

Scene: A play session involving BDSM.

Switch: A person who likes to be both a top and bottom.

Top: Person who is dominant within a scene.

Vanilla: Code word for "not kinky."

BDSM is not about the indiscriminate infliction of pain on an unsuspecting victim. Rather, it is all about two people in a dominant-submissive consensual relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and sometimes even love. If you’re intrigued by BDSM, but don’t know where to begin, consider our reviews and enjoy, but be sure to call ahead as times and venues change frequently.