Who's Hot and Who's Not

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I watch alot of E!Television, and so I know who tops the lists of the E!Hot Stars/Maxim Hot 100/Sexiest Singles blah blah blah list. So boring! So predictable! And, lately, not even sexy.

Yes, I know Brangelina are a hot, smoking couple, Jennifer Aniston is a yummy single, and Demi Moore is one cougar you'd like to cage (speaking of, why are we all just automatically allowing the term "cougar" to be as common these days as the newly resurrected catch word "douche"? Douche - usefully evocative word. Cougar - stupid word). But do any of these and the other regulars on the Sexiest Celebs lists actually make you, you know, feel sexy? Feel like makin' love? Feel like getting off?

For one, I don't buy Brad and Angelina have that much sex. To me, they are like that special occasion chocolate, the kind used at weddings, retirement parties, etc., the kind that is bought from a specialty gift store that lets you put your own message on the wrapping. You are lucky if the chocolate is even average to taste. Which brings me to Brad and Angelina, and their ridiculous beauty and sensualism. It is simply too good to be true. Here is why: When you are that good looking, other great looking people look just like you - hence, making them boring and average. (I have a very good looking friend who corroborates this. There is your data). Plus, everyone and anyone just sucks up to them all the time - very unsexy, indeed. I bet the two of them really actually do spend all their free time reading back issues of the Economist, posting comments on moveon.org, and playing with their kids.

And as for Jennifer Aniston - wow, yes, she has a beautiful body. She does make me feel sexy in that I fantasize that her attractiveness is somehow achievable to me if I really applied myself at the gym and at self-tanning. But I don't see a night out with Jennifer Aniston being anymore sexy than a night out with Madonna. What I do see is a dinner of a leaf starter, steamed salmon, no sides, two white wine spritzers at most, and a sitdown on the couch after with a cup of chai and a whole bunch of issues to talk over to a Melissa Etheridge/John Mayer mix. You get it. Controlled. Rational. Sensible. Bleh.

And as for Demi Moore...well, I think she is gorgeous, happy, and free. I think it's ridiculous to call her a cougar, as it puts her in the same mallpark as the Real Housewives of Orange County. I don't care how much money Demi spent on surgery. It worked. Rock on with your bad self, Demi.


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Boy did you call THIS one right, LBD!

This morning's celebrity reports included talk of Brangelina being on the skids, but more than likely simply being too busy to actually find themselves in bed with one another all that often. Nice work!

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