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Watched the new Christina Aguilera video, "Not Myself Tonight", and I'm exhausted just looking at her. Poor thing is working harder than Lindsay Lohan's PR Rep. Here's the link, if you haven't seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt-tHcQR67Y.

Well, it's official, isn't it? The harder you skank out, the less sexy you are. I know exactly how Xtina is going to reply to all the "haters" on the internet who are calling her a has-been desperado who's copying Lady Gaga, frame for frame.

Xtina: "Please, I've been in this game for over ten years."
Us: True.
Xtina: "And besides that, I am proud of my sexuality, there's nothing wrong with it, and I love exploring all my many sexual facets. I am just a very sexual woman, even more so now that I am a mother, and I've seen what my ganache can really do".
Us: Hmmmm.

Obviously, she wants to be old Madonna wicked bad and she won't give up, like Britney has, like Pink has, like Joan Cusack in "Working Girl" has.

People are talking about the Gaga ripoffs in this video, but forget that. She has re-created entire chunks of, "Human Nature", "Express Myself" and "Justify My Love", right down to lapping milk out of a bowl and dropping a bowl of goo down her back. Not that there is even anything wrong with appropriating images - Madonna made her career out of it. So, an homage to those three Madonna videos could actually be pretty great, if Xtina owned it. But she didn't, because she can't. It's funny that the gals that can really sing - like Xtina and Mariah - can't nail the iconic look, sex appeal, and video like Madonna and Britney did. Seems the less natural talent you have, the more awesome your videos. In the video world, charisma definitely trumps the ability to do those annoying vocal runs while you do that X-tina thing that looks like you are wanking off your microphone.

Anyway, it's clear that Christina wants us all to know that:
- she is free to express herself sexually;
- society is not going to stop her from having sexy times with girls, or from wearing tacky red underpants outside in a parking lot with a bunch of cute gays (and when it's pouring out, for god's sake),
- she is into S&M, and bondage, and funny looking glasses, and girls, and drinking sticky liquids and/or pouring them on her body, and writhing around in bed like the character, Nomi, from "Showgirls", and speaking of girls, did she mention she is into girls?

Well, I hope Christina does something really shocking for her next video and realizes that, no matter how hard she tries - hell, she can even make out with Madonna onstage -no one is ever going to care about her sexuality. Just one of those weird, inexplicable truths. Don't know why, Christina, I know it's not fair, but you will never be truly oppressed. My sage advice? Next video, do muted makeup, soft layers, a t-shirt and jeans. And just sing. I swear sister, our jaws will hit the floor.

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